Nothing lasts.
And I do mean nothing.
Every single person leaves.
They move away,
they stop engaging,
or they die.
Every person I ever love will die. Every single one.
Maybe I will die before they do.
But either way, they’ll be gone.
God, You really, really, really are the only thing that remains. You really, really are.
Why can’t my mind get wrapped around it?
Every person I ever love will leave.
Dad will die.
Mom will die.
Logan, Landen, Lincoln will all die.
They’ll DIE.
Sarah will die. Wendy will die. So will David and Adam. Scott will die.
My heart friends will die. All of them. Those roommates I loved, those guys I liked, those broken girls I sat with, those orphans I cried over, those kids I held, they'll all die.
They’ll leave or I’ll leave or they’ll die. Either way, they will not be there forever.
Every man I choose to love will leave. Maybe one will stay much longer than the rest. One will I hope, stay years and years and years. But in the end - and the end will come - in the end, he will die just like all the rest.
You’ll die.
And you’ll die.
And you’ll leave and then die.
And you, yes even you... you’ll leave and then die too.
There is truly nothing that remains. There is truly nothing, absolutely nothing that will last...
save You, God.
As I see it, I have two options.
One is to clam up, risk nothing, bury myself in labors (which will also not remain) and float through these years I am granted with life with very little feeling, and most importantly very little pain.
The other option is to crash hard into that mystery we’ve dubbed Love. To throw inhibition to the wind, to put everything on the line, to allow myself to deeply care, knowing full well that every single person I extend myself to will in fact leave or die. In this option there is no playing it safe. It’s not a pretty prancing about. It’s a body slam into risky business. There is no guarantee that joy will outweigh pain, and there is no promise that goodness will ever last as long as I think it might. There is no surety that the broken will let love truly change them, and at the end of the day there could potentially be not a thing to show for love.
I suppose there may be a third option. I suppose there is that middle road, the half-clam, half-risk place. Achh. Forget it. It’s so lame, its hardly worth mentioning.
I’ve barely raised my eyes from looking at this page before I know...
There is no option for You, is there God? You are all risky business, all the time. You have been since the beginning. Except for You there is no beginning. You in fact ARE the mystery we’ve dubbed Love. You’ve never played it safe, not one single time. You looked the oh-so-real chance of pain square in the face, and said, “Bring it on.”
A distinct memory is coming to mind. I reach for a journal that is crammed between two dozen others on my bookshelf, and flip through it until I find this page: February 24, 2009.
“HOW DO YOU DO THIS, GOD? You’ve run a risk on love with every human being that’s ever walked the face of the Earth. So few have worked out... so few have loved You back. And those that have were still unfaithful. It started with a risk with Adam... I’m thinking about the covenant You made with Abram - the marriage contract. You’ve run the risk on millions of people for thousands of years. HOW DOES YOUR HEART TAKE IT?”
Your response to me went like this:
“Love is that worth it.
Love is who I am, Lindsay. To not risk is to step outside of My identity. Playing it safe is not in line with My character. If there is no risk, it’s not love at all.”
Man.
Man, oh man, oh man.
You are the only thing that remains. I don't know why it took almost 23 years for that to really hit me, but today I suddenly realized that You will be there every single morning when I wake for the rest of my life. And You are the only One that will be. And when I die, You will still be there. And You have always been there before me.
Okay. So You're it. You're the Big Deal. You're the really only Legit Being that exists.
And You've been going head-on for Love since forever.
You ARE the Risky One,
the Hard Crash into Mystery,
the Great Body Slam,
the Magnificent Inhibition-Chucker.
You're the only One who remains and this is really how You roll. Shoot, I mean... if I'm going to die anyways, and if You're going to remain anyways, why not come crashing into this risky business with You? I mean, why not? If You're the only One who will always be, and if You say,
"Its worth it,"
well then, it probably is.
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